5 weeks & forever

Well, I officially have five weeks (or fewer) left on this pregnancy. I would like to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed it, but in all honesty, it’s been quite hard and seems to only be getting harder. The question lately on everyone’s minds seems to be “How are you feeling?”. Physically, I don’t feel all that bad. I don’t seem to have major aches that some people have, thankfully. However, my hands have started bothering me pretty bad this past week and my legs and feet just ache at the end of the day. Overall, I am just mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. Trying to prepare for my little E the closer it gets to her being here is harder than I thought it would be. I somehow had it built up in my brain that I would just soak up the next weeks to come in great anticipation of her arrival. However, the closer it gets, the more anxiety that seems to set in.

I actually have to have this baby. She physically has to come out of me. And while I have done this act before, somehow it doesn’t seem to reassure me in any way. I practically slept through my whole labor with H. How can I possibly expect things to go that smoothly again? But, being a huge believer in positive energy, I am trying to stay as positive as I can about the experience to come. I have no reason to believe that things will not go smoothly, other than the horrible labor stories I have heard from people lately.

Her room is slowly coming together, but there is still so much to do. So many pictures to be hung, so many little things that need to be organized. But every time I walk in there, I just get this overwhelming sense of peace that washes over me knowing that one day soon, my precious little baby will be here. My house already feels empty without her in it.

Ready to start my maternity leave is an understatement. I think it’s more so the fact that I am just ready to take an eight week break from adulting and focus on raising my newborn. I know that I won’t be getting much of a “break” being a new mom, but I would much prefer the trade of staying home with my little than waking up and going to work. Don’t get me wrong, I love working and I love my job, but sometimes it all just gets to be too much and I feel the need to step away and just enjoy the little things again. I am looking for the day when I don’t have to wake up to the alarm clock on my phone every morning. As terrified as I am about sleep deprivation, I am actually greatly anticipating not being on anyone else’s schedule but E’s for a while. I plan to soak up her being little as much as I possibly can. Although I am sure that none of the time I have will actually go the way I am planning and it will be over with before I know it, but here’s hoping.

This weekend is our babymoon. We decided that before time gets away from us and I am still physically able to go places, we better take advantage of it while we can. We really have no plans set in stone as to what we are going to do while we are gone, but I am looking forward to a weekend away with my husband to reconnect. Life has been pretty busy as of late between preparing for E and birthday’s, that I think we both just need a breath of fresh air.

I go back to the Dr. today for my 34 week appointment, and will start going every week from here on out. It’s amazing to think that we have all made it this far. I felt E dragging her elbow or hand across the bottom portion of my belly last night and I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world she was doing in there. I woke up this morning to her little hiccups and as I am typing right now, she is rolling around in my belly. I am so ready to meet this little one it is becoming overwhelming. I want to kiss her cheeks and see her beautiful face. Just a few more weeks.

25 down, 15 to go

I would love to say that this pregnancy has been nothing but glorious, but that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining by any means. But this one is just so different from what I remember with my first. With H, I was the annoying pregnant lady who did nothing but rave about how much she loved being pregnant and how wonderful it was. I guess the fact that I am now ten years older, my body doesn’t handle things quite like it used to (go figure).

Where to start?

Let’s just say that pelvic pain is real. I never imagined that my pelvic area could hurt this bad. In fact, I didn’t even know that this was an issue during pregnancy. Even the basic things such as walking or sitting are a struggle. Don’t expect me to move anywhere fast, because it just isn’t going to happen. Getting out of bed in the morning or even rolling over takes great effort. I literally feel like a turtle stuck on it’s back. I did go to a chiropractor for a couple of visits and it helped tremendously with my sciatic pain, however, the pelvic pain has grown increasingly worse these past few weeks. I can’t even imagine how I am going to move once my bump gets even bigger.

The sleepless nights have already started to set in. I sleep like a log as soon as my head hits the pillow, but as soon as 2 or 3 am rolls around, I am wide awake and unable to shut off my brain to go back to sleep. I guess this is just my bodies way of preparing me for the sleepless nights to come. Although, there will be a beautiful baby girl to distract me in the future. Napping isn’t really an option during the day since I work full time. I am quite envious of the pregnant mommies who are able to take advantage and catch some much needed zzz’s in the afternoon. Saturday’s seem to be the least productive days for me. It’s like the whole past week catches up with me and my body just seems to shut down completely. And I am sure the fact that I am anemic doesn’t help in any of this.

I was hoping I would get lucky this time and miss out on the joys of Gestational Diabetes, but no dice. Luckily, my Dr. allowed me to skip the three hour glucose test and decided to just go ahead and treat me for GD. My DM class is this upcoming week and I am anxious to start measuring my blood sugars and get some information on how to start managing it and what to eat.

I have thoroughly come to enjoy my evening baths, which usually consist of Epsom salts or some sort of bath bomb. Also, diffusing eucalyptus oil has seemed to help with the dreaded pregnancy congestion. My gums seem to be extra sensitive these days. H keeps asking me why my teeth are bleeding when I brush them, and I tell her that it’s just part of it. She still thinks that girls are lucky because we get to have babies. She is right though, what an amazing blessing it is despite all the little nuances.

Baby E is moving around in my belly more and more and I look forward to feeling every little movement. In fact, I find myself worrying already when I haven’t felt her for a while. I can’t wait to see how beautiful she is and kiss her sweet little cheeks. H is so excited about being a big sister and it just melts my heart tremendously. And as for her daddy, I can already tell he is going to be wonderful. The way his eyes light up even just talking about her is enough to bring tears to mine.

My 26 week appointment is only a few days away and I can’t wait to hear how she is doing in there. I am beyond grateful for this amazing opportunity to be a mommy all over again. I look at my now almost ten year old and wonder where in the world time has gone. And then I find myself looking forward to being able to relive all those first moments that are truly just magical. There are a lot of hard days ahead, but I know they are going to be worth it.

I was 27 weeks with H when I started having my first issues with preterm labor. I was also taken off of work at this time and got to start enjoying the perks of being a SAHM. The reality that I will not be able to stay home with E has started to set in and I can’t help but be saddened already over the time that is going to be missed with her. Trying to find a place where I feel confident in taking my newborn has not been an easy task. But then I keep reminding myself that mothers all over the world do it all the time, and it will just be an adjustment like everything else.

Her little room is starting to come together and I can’t help but feel a sense of calmness every time I walk in there. It’s like I am waiting on this person to arrive that I have never met, yet I already feel so close to, and I am just overfilled with excitement. My heart is full along with my growing belly.

I love you

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t say “I love you” at least twenty times. Whether it be to my husband, my daughter, my fur babies, or even the new baby in my belly. I know there are people out there who think this might be a little excessive or unnecessary, but to me, it’s quite necessary. I know spoken words aren’t the end all be all, but to me, they mean a lot. You see, it’s important to me that the people I care most about in life know just how much I love them; I don’t ever want them to question it for even a second. The thought that there are people in this world, not just children and spouses, but parents and friends, who don’t hear that they are loved it just disheartening.

My ex-husband used to tell me that I said it too much. That by me speaking those words multiple times throughout the day took meaning away from them. I never understood this. I mean sure, to some extent I guess I can see where he was coming from, but does that mean that just because we told someone once that they were beautiful, that we never need to tell them again? People need to be reminded of these things. You see, life gets hard at times and we tend to forget the important things and focus on all the bad. But it’s not just in the bad times we need to be reminded how valuable we are, it’s in the good too, the day-to-day that tends to wear us down the most.

The love for my children is boundless, even though there is one that I have yet to meet (isn’t it amazing by the way that you can feel something so strongly for someone you haven’t even met yet?). And though there are going to be times that I may not completely agree with the decisions they will make, I will still always be there to let them know that no matter what, their mother loves them. That no matter what, at the end of the day, they can always count on me to be there.

Mother’s Day

I have to be honest, this upcoming mother’s day has caught me a little off guard. You see, for the past ten years, it has just been her. The light of my world, my confidant. And now with a new baby on the way, I can’t help but worry that the love I have to give will not be enough. I have been asking myself lately if the amount of love we have increases with each child? Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to this, but my gut keeps telling me yes. Or at least I can only hope it does. Growing up as an only child, this is foreign territory to me.

I felt it necessary to sit down and take the time to thank my daughter for so many things, but the list could go on forever and I fear that I might forget something. Finding out I was pregnant at nineteen, was not the easiest news in the world to swallow. I was terrified and still a baby myself in so many ways. And then this beautiful being came into the world and opened my eyes up to so many wonderful things. Things that some people are not fortunate enough to get to experience. Things that I can’t even begin to verbally express. Not only have I watched her grow into the beautiful person that she is, but she has watched me grow as well. Together, we have made it through this journey thus far, and I can only imagine what the future holds for the two of us. The truth is, I have  needed her just as much as she has needed me.

She’s the best of me in so many ways, and yet I feel as if I fail her in so many more. I see so many traits in her that I wish I myself could possess. She is not only beautiful on the outside, but her inside beauty is even more radiant. Don’t ever let the world steal your sunshine, Hannah Marie.I can’t help but be thankful for this magical time that we have gotten together, just the two of us. From the silly times to the sweet moments just before bedtime, where I smother her in kisses and tell her that I love her more than anyone in the world. Which is true. She is my first born. She will always hold a very special place in my heart that no one will ever be able to fill. She has been a teacher to me just as much as I have been to her. She is the one who made me a mother, and for this I am forever grateful.

And now this not-so-little girl is going to be a big sister. The best big sister there ever was and I am so excited for her. I can only hope that she is as thankful for me as I am for her and that the love I have given to her has been enough and will continue to be enough. I may not always be able to give her the moon and the stars, but I promise to always try my hardest.

“Suddenly, through birthing a daughter, a woman finds herself face to face not only with an infant, a little girl, a woman-to-be, but also with her own unresolved conflicts from the past and her hopes and dreams for the future…. ”  -Elizabeth Debold and Idelisse Malave

What is there not to celebrate?

According to the calendar, I am six weeks and four days pregnant. Which means I am one week closer to confirmation. This waiting period has to be one of the hardest parts about being pregnant, on top of the “morning” sickness and the insatiable need to eat and sleep. But I could not be happier. The fact that there is a little human growing inside of me is just inconceivable.

On top of which, in just a mere three days, I get to say “I do” to the man I love and take his last name. Followed by seven days on the beautiful island of Oahu.

My cup is overflowing. My heart is exploding with love. How did I get here? I don’t know, but I don’t ever want to go back.

All signs point to yes…

5 weeks pregnant. Who would have thought it would be this easy? Not me, that is for sure. If you would have asked me a month ago when we decided to “start trying” if we would see immediate results, the answer would be no.

I must have been in denial at first. That is the only thing I can think of as to why I didn’t notice what was going on with my body. But then again, it has been a complete decade since the last time I was pregnant.

I remember saying to my best friend first thing that Friday morning, “I’m just going to say this so I can put it out there and get it into the Universe, but I haven’t started yet.” That was my attempt at getting my body to “start”. The whole notion of reverse psychology, but little did I know it wasn’t going to work. “I keep feeling like I am going to start but I never do.” And then she said it, “Those were my symptoms each time I have been pregnant.”. Wait, what? Run that past me one more time. Come to find out, I wasn’t just late, but a week late. And the more I think and read about everything I have been experiencing up to this point, it all makes sense now:

• Cramping – I somehow managed to forget that these are also associated with pregnancy.
• Sore boobs – Don’t even think about touching them. If I had the option, I would walk around in a sports bra 24 hours a day. That is one of the only things I have found to provide some sort of relief.
• Increased bathroom trips – I managed to make the comment to a co-worker, before I actually new what was happening, that I wasn’t even the pregnant one at the office (she was), but I sure was going to the bathroom like one. Oops…
• Night sweats – I won’t lie, these are awful. Waking up in the middle of the night multiple times completely covered in your own sweat only to be freezing two seconds later is not glorious. But according to everything I read, these should hopefully go away once all my hormones regulate. Which leads me to another symptom…
• Moodiness – Ouch. I feel sorry for my poor fiancee. Raging bitch is putting it lightly. Bless his soul.
• Temperature – My body temperature has been out of control. From raging hot one second to I don’t think I am ever going to get warm the next (see previous section on night sweats).

The hunger is just now starting to set in. My stomach ferociously growls as if to remind me that there is a growing monster in there demanding my attention. The exhaustion hasn’t quite hit me, but then again I am always tired. Nap Queen should be my nickname, in all honesty.

This phase to me has to be one of the hardest. The pregnancy test says yes, but as far as actual confirmation that things are progressing the way they should be, I still have to wait four weeks until I see the Dr. The only thing I have to reassure me at this point that all is well is the faith that I have in my body and the fact that yes, every time I still go to the bathroom, I check to make sure that I still haven’t started.

So, that’s it. 5 weeks in and all it’s glory. Ecstatic doesn’t even begin to explain the way I feel right now. No matter what is going on in the world around me, in the back of my mind, all I can focus on is the fact that there is a baby inside of me. A human life. A little me and a little him. Our little secret.

All signs point to yes, our little one. And we could not be more excited.

Healing

After many long-awaited weeks, my OB-GYN appointment was finally yesterday. I must say, this whole process up until yesterday has been a disaster. I have never felt so out of the loop before as to what is going on with or going to happen to my body. And google didn’t help, that is for sure. So, my hope in this is that someone out there reads this and is maybe a tiny bit more prepared than I was.

Needless to say, I was a little nervous going in; especially since I had a very vague idea of what to actually expect. My blood pressure was sky-high and pulse was racing, but all I could do was sit there and continue to practice my breathing. I was scheduled for a Colposcopy with Biopsy if necessary. It turns out that my original pap results showed LSIL with a HPV effect, which is why they decided to go ahead and do a Colposcopy and not just do a repeat pap. My Dr. was wonderful in sitting down and explaining the actual procedures and what he would be looking for, and then away we went into the procedure room.

They set everything up like they would for a normal pap, except the fact that he had a rather large microscope that he was using to look at  my cervix. And then out came the “vinegar” or acetic acid. Honestly, it felt just like a normal pap smear, only it took a little longer and there was a little more swabbing. Easy peasy, I thought to myself. And then I heard him say the words “I am going to go ahead and biopsy this one spot.”. Wait, what? Before I had the time to even really process what was about to happen, he counted to three and it was over with. I didn’t feel a thing.

It wasn’t until the actual procedure was over with that I started feeling the effects. I sat up to ask my Dr. about how this  might affect having future children, and before he could finish his response, I found myself lying back on the table trying not to pass out. “This happens sometimes when we do things to the cervix” he said as he left to get the nurse. After a few minutes of being fanned by my nurse with a magazine (feeling like a goddess) and catching my breath, I was back on my feet and out the door. Or so I thought.

I made it up to the front desk to check out, and while I was standing there waiting on the people in front of me to finish setting up their next appointment, I started feeling light-headed again. I managed to walk over to a chair behind the nurse’s station and asked if I could sit down for just a second. And then it really hit me. I was going to be sick. They managed to get me back into a patient room right before it really hit. Come to find out, all these things can happen when the cervix isn’t happy. Nobody told me. I thought that once I made it through the actual procedure, I would be golden. Not so much. The cramping that came afterwards was enough to put me up on the couch with a heating pad for the rest of the night. And even the day after, I am still not 100%. The cramps are still there and the fatigue is rather present as well. But it could always be worse.

My results should be in within a week. I have no idea what to expect. One minute, I could care less, and the next, the worst possible thoughts come rushing into my brain. But my support system in all of this has been huge and I am forever grateful for that. And there is no use in borrowing troubles from tomorrow.

Goodbye to another decade

While I was standing in the bathroom getting ready for work this morning, I couldn’t help but think that my twenties are quickly coming to an end. And then I began to wonder what exactly did that mean? These past ten  years have harnessed so many wonderful memories, along with so many life changing tough ones.

My first (and only for now) child was born five months after my twentieth birthday. And looking back my heart can’t help but explode at the warmth and happiness that my daughter has given to me. When people ask me to tell them about myself, the first thought that pops into my brain is, “I’m a mother.”. Being Hannah’s mom has been the sole being of my existence for, well, the past ten years. Granted motherhood arrived earlier for me than it does most people, but there isn’t a thing that I would change. I can’t help but look at her and wonder how I created this beautiful, amazing, smart human being. And the way she loves me, my goodness, there is nothing like it in the world. I can only hope that I have half the sweetness that she does and that the cruelty of the world doesn’t take it away from her.

I also experienced my first real love and heartbreak in my twenties. Marriage came and then it went. Saying things were easy for the first few years after my divorce would be a lie. The person I became during that time is not someone I am proud of, but I think it was necessary in a way for me to find myself. Five years later, things still aren’t perfect, but then again nothing in life is. I always thought that once my divorce was actually over, that all of the baggage of our relationship would be as well. But it’s not, it’s still there. And the older our daughter gets, the more challenges that come our way. But the only thing that matters in all of this is that she is our main focus. That no matter what we are doing or going through, her best interest is the one at heart.

Loss is something that is experienced throughout all stages of life. Whether it be through the loss of a friendship, loss of a loved one, or loss of the path that you thought you were supposed to be on. Either way, it hurts and it’s not always easy to deal with. But if we are lucky enough, new friends will come and even old friends will come back. Our loves one’s will be with us always in our hearts. And when one door closes, another opens.

And all of this brings me to where I am now. Soon I will begin a new decade of my life and so many changes are going to come my way, some I am prepared for and some I will be completely blind sighted by. I will by lucky enough to spend the last few days of my twenties in the beautiful state of Hawaii with my brand new husband, soaking up the sunshine and hopefully working on expanding our family (insert baby making music here).

All in all, I have come to learn that life is what you make of it. Everyone has problems, and trust me, someone always has it worse. It’s all about perspective and how one chooses to look at things. There is always a choice, whether it be as simple as choosing to look at this situation as something to learn from and move on. Life is too short and full of beautiful things to focus on the negative.

The good, the bad, and the cancer

This week’s topic…drum roll, please…cancer. Cervical cancer to be more exact. January is cervical cancer awareness month, and up until a week ago, I would have thought nothing of it. Revert to last Friday when I got a phone call from my Dr.’s nurse stating they wanted to send me for a follow-up smear due to my abnormal test results. Uh, what? Come to find out, I have LSIL, or Low-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion. Which isn’t the worst it could be, but it isn’t great. I’ve spent a lot of time researching this past week not just on the medical side of the topic, but on the personal side as well. I’ve read several inspirational blogs by women who have been through far worse than what I hopefully will have to endure, but all in all, I must say I end this week on a higher note than I began.

I think women talking openly about the subject has been the most helpful thus far. I have gotten very open and in touch with a few women in my life over this past week in search for the validation that no matter what comes my way, I am going to  be okay. I know no one or nothing can provide any guarantee of that, but knowing some of the things they have experienced provides some sort of solace. I think at this point, it all just sort of has the same scare effect, precancerous vs cancerous. I’ve never been here before, I’ve never had somethihng wrong with my body. Either way, something is wrong with my womanhood. I remember stting in the bathtub a few days ago wondering to myself, “What if I can’t have another baby? Will he still love me?”.  Granted, that was my low point.

But, the conclusion I have come to in all of this, is that no matter what, I’m not alone. There are thousands upon thousands of women going through this exact thing (some even wayyyy worse). AND I have a wonderful family and support team behind me. So that’s really all that matters. There are always going to be slumps and bumps along the way, but it’s our choice in how we handle them. Sitting around moping didn’t get me anywhere. In fact, it got me even more worked up, which is completely unnecessary. Positivity takes work sometimes, but it’s worth it. I truly believe that.

On a side note, I truly want to express the importance of getting your annual smear. Prevention is key when it comes to cervical cancer, and the hope with me, is that they caught my abnormalities early enough before they have time to actually develop into anything else.So do it.Who knows, it could save your life.

Breathe…

My wedding day is quickly approaching. There was a point in time where I felt completely on top of things. And slowly, that feeling is slipping farther and farther away from me. Can we go back just a few weeks ago to where April didn’t seem so close? It’s not the actual marriage part that is bothering me so much, it’s the show that comes along with it. All the immense planning that goes into something that lasts such a short amount of time. The stress of making sure you have this, and that this is done correctly, and that all of these things have been ordered, and on and on and on. Ugh. My spare bedroom is slowly turning into a room that collects “wedding” things, just sitting there waiting for that special day when they all get to make their beautiful debut. The flower crown the I will probably only wear once.The pink dress that is hanging up in the closet that will only get to come out for a short time to grace the world with it’s beauty. Eventually it will all come together, bit by bit.

And not every day is like this, I try to remind myself as much as possible when I start to feel this way this it doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, the only thing that matters is the fact that I will be marrying the man I love that day. That’s it. So, on days like today when the world around me feels as if it is spinning out of control, here’s my reminder to just breathe.